Denomination Characteristics

Denominations and the Light Bulb

 1.  How many  Calvinists  does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

2.  How many  Charismatics  does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

3.  How many  Baptists  does it take to change a light bulb?

Change??

4.  How many  neo-orthodox  does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows.  They can’t tell the difference between light and darkness.

5.  How many  TV evangelists  does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

6.  How many  Independent Fundamentalists  does it take to  change a light bulb?

Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

7.  How many  Liberals  does it take to change a light bulb?

At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

8.  How many  Catholics  does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They always use candles.

9.  How many  Worship Leaders  who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

10.  How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?

One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

11.  How many  United Methodists  or  PC USA Presbyterians   does it take to change a light bulb?

This statement was issued:  “We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted–all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.”

12.  How many  Lutherans  does it take to change a light bulb?

   Five.   One to nail to the church door a notice of the need to change,  Two to arrange the vestments on the one changing, One to anoint the new bulb with ‘trinity’ oil (3-in-1), and One to ‘stand upon the Book’ to reach the pinnacle of light.

13.  How many  Amish  does it take to change a light bulb?

“What’s a light bulb?”

14.  How many  Youth Pastors  does it take to change a light bulb?

Youth pastors aren’t around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

15.  How many  Southern Baptists  does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee.  If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member Church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee.  If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee.  If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoints a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs.  Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland.  They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the change.  By then, the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out!

 

Now, to completely ruin the light-hearted mood,

 16.  How many  Evangelicals  does it take to change a light bulb?

What’s an ‘Evangelical’.   Almost everyone in 1 thru 15 will call themselves an “evangelical” without knowing what beliefs and practices actually makes an ‘evangelical’.

 

 

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